Vaginas to the Left, Vaginas to the Right.

June 15, 2012 § 13 Comments

My friend, Mitch, knows how to make a boy cry. So, apparently, does Lisa Brown.

Here’s one of the things I’m good at.  Seeing the other side.  I do it in many of my pieces about women’s rights…especially when it comes to advocating legal and safe abortions.  I’m going to try it again, here.  This is me, playing devil’s advocate, tongue-in-cheek style.

Let’s just asssseeewwwwwwwme that the censure of Michigan State Lawmaker, Lisa Brown, was NOT a result of her having used the dreaded (correct) term, “Vagina”  “Hoo-hah.”  Let’s asssseeewwwwwwwme that the male Republican leadership was not simply offended by the use of the word, “Vagina,”  Hoo-hah when they said she was barred from speaking because she violated “decorum” rules of the Michigan State House.  Let’s asssseeewwwwwwwme that the reason Rep. Brown’s challenge, “…Mr. Speaker, I’m flattered that you’re all so interested in my vagina hoo-hah, but ‘no’ means ‘no.'” “…was so offensive, I don’t even want to say it in front of women. I would not say that in mixed company…” wasn’t the fact that she used the (correct) term, “Vagina” Hoo-hah.

No, nooooooo.  Let’s give the Republican leadership of the Michigan State House a little more credit, shall we???  I mean, what if what Rep. Mike Callton (R – Nashville) found so offensive was the implication that the men in the House were interested in Rep. Brown’s “Vagina”  Hoo-hah?  That’s a real possibility, here, right?  I mean, how on God’s Green Earth could any self-respecting, male, conservative, Republican be actually interested in her “Vagina” Hoo-hah?  She’s JEWISH, after all!  Scandalous!!!

Oh, pardon?  You don’t think they banned her from speaking because she publicly rebuffed (HA!  Get it?  Re-BUFFED?) her male collegues’ lascivious advances?Hmmmm.  Why else would they be offended?

Oooo!  Oooo!  I know!!!  They were offended because when she said, “…’no’ means ‘no,'” she was implying that they kept asking her for sex, and she kept saying “No,” and that they couldn’t take “No” for an answer.  That almost implies they might force themselves upon poor helpless Rep. Brown.  And they would NEVER do that!!!  THAT’s what Rep. Callton doesn’t “…even want to say…in front of women!”  They are so ashamed of their gender’s history in this area, they could never mention it in mixed company without being reduced to a withering puddle of remorse!  Right?  No?  No…that’s probably not it…

Wait!  I’ve got it!  The offensive thing is that she doesn’t realize that those trying to legislate abortion based on religion are really just trying to save precious LIVES! What about the babies/fetuses???  How can Rep. Brown lose sight of that?  How offensive to decorum that she’s taken the eye off the prize of birthing babies in favor of her own health considerations and religious beliefs!  How dare she imply that by outlawing ANY abortions after 20 weeks, the State House would be violating her religous beliefs, and her right to consider and made decisions with her own doctor?  And putting the health of  women at risk?  And used the word VAGINA Hoo-hah in the process???

Well.  Maybe I should re-think this whole “devil’s advocate” role I thought I had mastered.  Doesn’t seem to be working for those of you with synapses that actually fire and connect.

Full disclosure, folks.  I, too, cringe a little when I hear the word, “Vagina.” Especially if it is spoken by one of my parents.  I don’t know why, except perhaps that it is something I consider so PRIVATE that it almost feels like a violation when anyone other than my doctors (in medical context) say it.  “Vagina” (and also, “Panties” – WTF?) are words that make me want to put my fingers in my ears and say “LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-” until I predict it’s over.   Yes, I own my own silliness and immaturity in this area – I’m human, and everyone has their own personal triggers that make them cringe.  My sister has the same trigger, which maybe implies my parents used the word a little too liberally when potty training us.  Who knows? Who cares?

In my constant quest for self-improvement, though, I will launch an effort to combat this little demon of mine, and to inure those poor men, who’s sensibilities were so callously stomped upon by Rep. Brown by mentioning a part of her anatomy correctly.  Join me!  One and all!  For my part, I will now go around singing proudly, and at the top of my lungs, “VA-GIIIIIIIIIIIII-NAAAAAAAAA” to the tune of “Volare” whenever the mood strikes me (as brilliantly suggested by a fb friend.)   Who’s in?

In conclusion, I would like to THANK the Michigan GOP.  Yes, you heard me right. THANK them.  Whereas I had accepted my little quirky trigger with relative equanimity, I now realize that discomfort with the word, “Vagina” can lead to something much more dangerous – namely, the silencing of women in our government.

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§ 13 Responses to Vaginas to the Left, Vaginas to the Right.

  • chickymara says:

    I’m Canadian, so i’m not sure what exactly happened. But, I can guarantee you that anyone saying Vagina in the House of Commons would cause an uproar. What a bunch of pussies. Maybe they should use that instead.

    • Indeed. For the love of god. Click the link about Lisa Brown. She had the nerve to tell say, on the floor of the House in Michigan, “I’m flattered that you’re all so interested in my vagina, but ‘no’ means ‘no.'” This was in response to the legislature trying to outlaw ANY abortion after 20 weeks.

  • Deborah says:

    Perhaps the House needs to PUT OUT a list of acceptable vag-terms so that no one speaks in a manner unbefitting a lady or a genital-man.

    Thanks for a vag-tastic post!

  • The first woman and the woman who received the decorum warning are not the same. The first woman, my husband says, violated procedure. It wasn’t her turn to speak, and they were, in fact, voting at the time, so it seems the video is a little spliced and out of order.

    I’m not sure if anyone else was actually penisized. I mean PENALIZED. What the hell?

    I would like to get to the bottom of this, though. Oh—and did I hear that the amendment was NOT passed? So I guess we won anyway? I’m all confused.

  • Hey, Leslie –

    Both the NPR link and this one say Lisa Brown was censured for using the word “vagina,” and that Barbara Bynum was also out or order. “Rep. Lisa Brown (D-West Bloomfield) was censured and not allowed to participate in floor debate on Thursday for using the word “vagina” during the abortion debate on Wednesday.” That from a Fox news outlet.

    I’m still searching for other info, but Brown was penisized (heh) for sure. She was not permitted to speak on Thursday about (I think?) a bill regarding benefits for retirees.

    And I don’t know if the amendment was passed or defeated. Regardless, I can’t say I feel as if we won until this stops being an issue, and people stop introducing idiot bills like this. 😀

  • Joy Sharp says:

    I’m in.

  • Vivian Vagina Worthington says:

    What can you expect from legislators with penis sized brains? If someone says “Vagina” the penis sized brain reacts immediately, causing an adrenal combustion that triggers the fight or flight response. The pitiful male with penis sized brain, being required to do neither within the context of a legislative debate, suffers a rush of blood; swelling and enlarging the brain. Thus enlarged, the penis sized brain can no longer function properly until the swelling has been alleviated. And the easiest way to alleviate the swelling is by massage, which would mess up their comb-overs.

    Women really need to be careful using the word vagina in the company of men. At least until the men have said or done something stupid which identifies them as in fact having a penis sized brain and a potential to suffer when the word Vagina is spoken aloud.

    • Your analysis is fascinating. Especially concerning the effect of the penis size brain on the combover. That would be tragic, and I can see why it is indeed insensitive of women to use the word “Vagina” in front of men until they know the size of the brains belonging to said men.

  • […] I hinted at in my previous post, “Vaginas to the Left, Vaginas to the Right,” was that I am borderline compulsive about seeking out opposing viewpoints from which I can learn, […]

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